Believe in Me [Because I'm] Not Pretty Enough

For being so awful at blogging, I am doing kinda okay. Two posts in one day? Boooya. Course the other one doesn't really count. Ha. Now to get right down to it, I am certainly avoiding my homework and studies. I'll get to it tonight, I promise.

For the last few days I've been fretting about one particular thing. I hate my body. It's a constant battle with myself, but the last few days have been really bad. I think because it is summer. I have a swimsuit I got from a friend that I am absolutely in love with. Problem? It's a bikini. Top and bottoms. Top fits totally perfect. Perfect. The problem? Since they came in a set, the sizes on both are the same: small. Works for the top, definitely not the bottoms. It never used to bother me that I had been... er...  blessed (?) with a bigger butt than most (white) girls. But I don't really like it anymore. One, it gets me in trouble. I am so tired of the nicknames, and grabbing, and double takes. Newsflash: It's rude. But anyway, the bottoms it came with don't fit. Which is frustrating in itself. But I could always go out and get some right? Sure. It's still irritating that I can't wear what I want.
I feel like this is the point where I am supposed to curse society for making all the stigmas that we women (and men) have to abide by. But I don't really care about "societies" impact on our culture. I care just that I can't look good. I am in the gym for hours a day, every day (okay, actually I haven't been in a few days. I've been busy!). Nothing has happened. I hardly ever eat (no, I am not anorexic, I just forget, or I am just too lazy to find something, promise!) Why can't I look like all those pretty girls? I don't like it.
I find myself consumed with trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Every few minutes I find my mind turning my thoughts to how I dread the day when friends ask me over to swim. I know I can't go through the whole summer and never put on a suit. That's disgraceful. And I want to go swimming. I love the lake. But I dread the day.
I wish I could follow all this with some inspiring remark about how I have decided to love my body and blah, blah, blah. But that's just not gonna happen. It's a battle I have been fighting with God for some times now. It's kinda a let down to be that ugly girl that guys date after those supermodel things.

I know it's something that every girl has to deal with. It just kinda stinks. :/



"I'm losing myself tryin' to compete
With everyone else instead of just being me.
Don't know where to turn;
I've been stuck in this routine.
I need to change my ways;
Instead of always being weak.
I don't wanna be afraid.
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today"

"I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real.
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees.
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man;
I try as hard as I can.
Am I not pretty enough?"