Esther

I've learned some things about myself tonight. I'm bad at a whole heck of a lot of things.

I am really good at ignoring things I don't want to see. 

I am too much of a people-pleaser. 

I am afraid of... everything.
I am afraid of confrontation.
I am afraid of communicating
I am afraid of disappointing people.
I am afraid of hurting someone.
I am afraid of being honest.
I am afraid of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of caring, of allowing myself to care about someone.
I am afraid of not living up to what is expected.

People tend to think I am a better person that I actually am. Most of that problem is my fault. Not all of it... I have one of those innocent faces. An innocent attitude. Plus, I go to Evangel, so everyone automatically assumes the best of me. But more than that, I tend to play it off like I am perfect. I so desperately aim to be perfect, but I fail miserably. But even still, people think highly of me. And I hate it. It's like this ever-climbing ladder; people think well of me, so I have to pretend to be ever better than that... then people think even higher of me because of my performance. So I have to try even harder to one-up myself. It's tiring, and it's fake. All along, the real me has been hiding out inside. She's been searching for that chance to turn up and be strong. to show everyone she's not so perfect after all. And I think she finally found her way out... in a less-than-graceful kind of way. I won't spill details. (I can just hear the audible groans of all you gossip-loving girls)  It would  be quite a bad idea for me to share details. For a few reasons. First, I haven't had the chance to speak to the other person involved. Second, I would be condemned and lose some very important roles I carry.
But here's the deal. I have made some mistakes over the past month. And I've know that I have made these mistakes. I didn't care. (I am really good at ignoring things I don't want to see.... remember?) Oh sure, I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I enjoyed it. It felt so wonderful to be able to step outside of my perfect shatter-proof life. It was nice to do something and not pretend anymore. But I still knew it was wrong. And it hit me today. I was reading a book that someone loaned to me and I started getting uncomfortable. It was talking about the issue that I have been conveniently ignoring. And I felt this stir in my body somewhere above my stomach. In my soul. And I put the book down. No way. I am tired. I just wanted to read before bed. No way am I about to start talking to God about all the crap I've been doing. I thought to myself. I let myself ignore it for a while. I bargained with myself. I will work on all the issues I have. I will. I will just do it later. Give me till Monday, God. Let me finish out this week. Then we can chat. I felt comfortable with my little bargain. Let my just add this little excursus. If I was a normal person, I wouldn't have picked the book back up. I would have just left it down and ignored it. I would have rolled over and fallen asleep. Blissfully ignoring the book. I would have remained ignorant in order to save myself the trouble. But if you know anything about me, you know I can't put down a book. It makes me wonder if God has molded me into this book-loving freak if only for this very moment. So He can take the opportunity to talk to me, knowing I'll listen. Knowing I'd pick the book right up again.So I did. I picked it right back up. Surely I wouldn't feel convicted again; I already told God I'd work on it later. So I read. Two paragraphs later, BAM.  There we go again. I tried to keep reading.I tried to ignore that little urge to talk to Him. I could just hear Him calling out. Come on, Kristin. Stop ignoring me. You know we need to talk. You've been ignoring Me. I've let you have your fun. But enough is enough. Let's talk. And so with a mighty sigh, I put my book down. And then we talked. And I stopped ignoring it. I gave up trying to fight it. I never really wanted to ignore it in the first place. That's not me.
So thus starts my adventure. As with any complicated story, mine doesn't end with just me. It involves someone else. So, of course, I have to communicate with them. And tell them but that's hard. You see, I'm a people-pleaser. I don't know how this person will react. So I close myself off and get really scared. I am standing, face-first, in front of my every fear. I'm about to confront someone. I am about to communicate. I'm about to disappoint someone. Maybe hurt someone. I'm about to be honest and vulnerable. But I am also opening up and showing that I care about someone. And it's hard. But I do it. And I wish I could end the story here. I wish I could say it all ended well, but I don't really know yet. See, this all just happened. I have't even gotten a response yet. I just had to write about it because this is what I do when I am nervous; when I have a lot on my mind. I write. It lets me put my thoughts in a clear, logical order. So I can make sense of it all. See, I don't write for you. I write for me.

I've had many people comment on how awful I am at looking at them when I speak. I know this. I've known this for a very long time. Most of the time, I play it off well. People don't  notice that I don't look at them. I hold conversations in the car, or while walking or at least doing some other activity. That way, eye contact isn't really expected. But lately, I've been slacking. I have held face-to-face conversations and have completely ignore eye contact. And people don't like it. Even on the most simple matters, I neglect looking at the person I am talking to. My eyes dart everywhere but their face. They wonder why. Some assume I am just lying. Psychologically, people avert there eyes when they tell a lie. But that's not my issue. My eyes are always moving because I am searching for an escape route. Not necessarily a physical place to retreat. But I'm just bad at face-to-face communication. At least if I mess up and say something wrong in an email or text, I can retrace my steps and fix it. Or I can pretend it never happened. But when it's in person? I have to deal with it. Right then. Right there. That terrifies me. So my eyes dart around. Searching in my head for some kind of an escape, should I mess up. Should I word my statement wrong.
I don't think the issue ends there, though. I think there's more to the story. We've been told that eyes are the windows to our soul. Frankly, I don't want people peeking into my windows. I am afraid of what y house holds. I am afraid of what they'll see. They'll see that I have hidden Kristin inside, shackled to the wall. They'll see my secrets. My fears. My hurts. They'll know to much. They'll leave me. Hurt me. Turn against me. I have tried very hard to build the walls up around my secrets. I can't let my little windows give me away.

Regardless, I turn to God. I know that it doesn't matter who accepts me. It doesn't matter who is upset with me. People don't matter. God does. When everyone else fails, God rises. He is always here for me. So I should always be on His side. He's always on mine.

"He heals the broken hearted
He binds their wounds
He is love
He finds those forgotten
Those who have been abused
He is love
He knows your name,
A father to the fatherless
A healer of the brokenness
You make beauty from the ashes
A helper to the helpless
Fighter for the hopeless
You love those who are alone
(Those who are alone)
He comforts the lonely
He hears their cry
He is love
He holds the children
Throughout the night
He is love
He knows your name,
He knows your name"


If you have been reading these blogs, you may have realized this by now... sometimes, the titles of my blogs don't seem to fit. But I name them what I do for a reason. I always include lyrics -or parts of lyrics- to the end of a blog. The lyrics coincide with my thoughts and feelings that I have expressed in writing. And the song title becomes my title. So, thus named, Esther. 

A Beautiful Morning

Epic Success! I have been stressing this week about my last exam for the first summer session of Chemistry. I really need to get a good grade on it. And then I did some number crunching. Even if I FAIL this exam, I will still get an A in the class. I call that a WIN. I am very excited. But now I find it hard to get motivation to actually study for the exam. Ooops. I shouldn't have figured it out.

In other news, it's my mom's birthday this Saturday. I wish I had gotten her something. I am just broke. And, let's face it, I'm not really the age where I can pull off one of those "handmade" gifts and it actually work. :/

I don't really have any deep revelation to share today. I do, however, have some good news. Good for me anyway. I have a boyfriend! And he is the best. Honestly. I have never been treated so well. Everyday I talk to him I am amazed at his heart. But before I start on a rampage, I'm going to stop. Otherwise I would talk forever. Because he is that amazing.

But I don't want you walking away from here with nothing. So ponder the question: Why do I exist?

Well, you need to understand God to answer that question. You see, the bible says, “God is love.” It doesn’t say He has love, it says He is love. It’s part of His nature, His character, it is the essence of His being. God is love. Now, love isn’t very valuable unless you bestow it on something and the bible says, “God made you to love you.” You were created as an object of God’s love. If you want to know why you’re taking breath right now, why your heart is beating, it’s because God made you to love you. It’s the sole reason. You were made to be loved by God and to bring Him pleasure.

Now God wants you to learn to love Him back and that’s the first purpose of your life, to get to know and love Him back.One day Jesus was walking down the street and a man came up and said, “What’s the most important command in the bible?” And Jesus said, “I’m going to summarize the entire bible in one sentence. Love God with all your heart and soul and mind and strength.” That’s called the great commandment. And God wants you to get to know and love Him back. So that means when you get up in the morning, you should sit on the side of your bed and say, “God, if I don’t get anything else done today, I want to know you a little bit better and I want to love you a little bit more.” Because if at the end of the day you know God more and you love Him more, you have just fulfilled one of the purposes of your life.

If, on the other hand, you’ve accomplished all kinds of things and achieved many, many successes in life, but at the end of the day you don’t know God better or love Him more, you have missed the primary purpose of your life. Because God didn’t put you on this earth just to mark things off your to-do list. He put you here to know Him and love Him. That’s why you exist.

How about another? Does my life really matter?

Well, it’s a good question. You know, today we teach our kids that we’re all just one big cosmic accident. We came from the goo through the zoo to you over billions of years. Well, if that is true, in a nutshell it teaches that your life really doesn’t matter, you’re just the freak accident of random chance, you’re complex slime and you were an accident. And if you get accidentally killed, well, of course, that doesn’t matter. And that creates a lot of our sociological problems and a lot of our self-esteem issues.

But the truth is you are not an accident. You were created by a loving God who loves you and designed you with intricate detail in your life and when you understand that God made you to love you and that God made you to be a part of His family and that God made you to last forever, then you’re never going to have a problem with low self-esteem again.

It was Bertram Russell the atheist who once said, “Unless you assume the existence of God, then the purpose and meaning of life is irrelevant.” The truth is, if there is no God your life doesn’t matter. But because there is a God, God had a specific purpose in mind when He created you and you do matter. You matter because God created you. You matter because he sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross. If you want to know how much you matter, think of Jesus Christ with his arms outstretched saying, “I love you this much.”

Now, if you had to chose between a loved one and a material thing, even if that thing was priceless, you’d chose your loved one in a heartbeat. And when you’re on your deathbed, you’re not going to surround yourself with material possessions, you’re not going to say, “Bring me my trophies. Bring me my credentials. Bring me my certificates so I can look one more time at my grade point average.” No, you’re going to surround yourself with loved ones and everybody’s going to be crying because they’re going to miss you. You see, that’s how much you matter.

Personal relationships to God and to other people are the most important thing in life. And God wants you to know Him and He wants you to have a relationship with Him because you’re worth so much in God’s eyes that he sent His Son to die for you. I hope you’ll get to know Him very soon.

Well there ya go! Have a good day! :.)

"Oh what a beautiful morning,
Oh what a beautiful day,
I've got a wonderful feeling,
Everything's going my way."

"It's a beautiful mornin', 

I think I'll go outside a while,
And just smile.
Just take in some clean fresh air, boy!
Ain't no sense in stayin' inside
If the weather's fine and you got the time.
It's your chance to wake up and plan another brand new day."

Believe in Me [Because I'm] Not Pretty Enough

For being so awful at blogging, I am doing kinda okay. Two posts in one day? Boooya. Course the other one doesn't really count. Ha. Now to get right down to it, I am certainly avoiding my homework and studies. I'll get to it tonight, I promise.

For the last few days I've been fretting about one particular thing. I hate my body. It's a constant battle with myself, but the last few days have been really bad. I think because it is summer. I have a swimsuit I got from a friend that I am absolutely in love with. Problem? It's a bikini. Top and bottoms. Top fits totally perfect. Perfect. The problem? Since they came in a set, the sizes on both are the same: small. Works for the top, definitely not the bottoms. It never used to bother me that I had been... er...  blessed (?) with a bigger butt than most (white) girls. But I don't really like it anymore. One, it gets me in trouble. I am so tired of the nicknames, and grabbing, and double takes. Newsflash: It's rude. But anyway, the bottoms it came with don't fit. Which is frustrating in itself. But I could always go out and get some right? Sure. It's still irritating that I can't wear what I want.
I feel like this is the point where I am supposed to curse society for making all the stigmas that we women (and men) have to abide by. But I don't really care about "societies" impact on our culture. I care just that I can't look good. I am in the gym for hours a day, every day (okay, actually I haven't been in a few days. I've been busy!). Nothing has happened. I hardly ever eat (no, I am not anorexic, I just forget, or I am just too lazy to find something, promise!) Why can't I look like all those pretty girls? I don't like it.
I find myself consumed with trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Every few minutes I find my mind turning my thoughts to how I dread the day when friends ask me over to swim. I know I can't go through the whole summer and never put on a suit. That's disgraceful. And I want to go swimming. I love the lake. But I dread the day.
I wish I could follow all this with some inspiring remark about how I have decided to love my body and blah, blah, blah. But that's just not gonna happen. It's a battle I have been fighting with God for some times now. It's kinda a let down to be that ugly girl that guys date after those supermodel things.

I know it's something that every girl has to deal with. It just kinda stinks. :/



"I'm losing myself tryin' to compete
With everyone else instead of just being me.
Don't know where to turn;
I've been stuck in this routine.
I need to change my ways;
Instead of always being weak.
I don't wanna be afraid.
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today"

"I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real.
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees.
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man;
I try as hard as I can.
Am I not pretty enough?"

Well.. This is New!

________________________________________

You Are Always There

Mountains of troubles,

Valleys of death.

A breeze blows by,

I feel your breath.

Through the depths of my sorrows,

And seas of my shame,

I hear a birds cry

As you whisper my name.

In times of trouble,

And deepest despair,

It is then that I know

You'll always be there.

_________________________________________

Well this is new. I know I don't normally post random poetry. The closest I get is the song or two that I include at the end of my posts. I've been writing for.... forever I think. I used to carry it all in my little notebooks. Which then doubled to two... and four... and then I gut frustrated so I just typed them up. They are all hidden on my computer in a secret password-protected folder. I don't really know why. I guess mostly because writing poetry is like my diary. It's my insides exposed. But, since I am trying this whole "glass house" thing, I decided to expose myself. So, periodically I'll post one or two of them. Let me know what you all think. 

_________________________________________

Inquisition

A sight was sought; for the soul searches for  inner strength.

'Twas looked upon through a peephole of the heart.

One searches for truth, yet what is found shall pass .

It was Earth that taught us to fear the unknown,

The world itself turned against inhabitants.

A divine inquisition, an enquiring mind.

What is the justification of human life?

An age old inquiry,

A matter without a response.

Solutions given, yet which is steadfast?

For life given, may only be received.

But to whom shall this power be granted?

An omniscient God?

Or a small speck of dust?

_______________________________________________________

The Fire

It licks my flesh,

Burning my skin…

Yet still goose bumps appear.

The heat tortures me;

A sauna turned too high…

Yet not a drip of sweat is produced.

My hair is  singed.

May as well be spider webs…

Yet I worry not.

I scream out in pure horror,

The pain inflicted too great…

Yet I smile in pure joy.

It burns till it reaches my chest;

I am consumed so completely...

Yet, I am more whole than before.

Love… A burning passion.

_____________________________________________-

That last one... The Fire... It's my baby. Meaning it means a lot to me. Mostly because I wrote it such a long time ago. And it gave me a scholarship. It was the first time I tried comparisons. 

The first stanza....Is about pure, raw love. The burning flames of passion. The heat of the chemistry between two. But where burn  marks would appear from a fire, goosebumps and chills occur in love. 

Second.... That point where you are with someone and you love them so much, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to ever express the emotion that's felt. It's like torture. Where fire would bring screams of pain and sweat dripping down, love shows those feelings on the inside. 

Third.... Have you ever burnt the hair on your arm? Or left a curling iron on your hair for just an instant too long? Have you smelled the fumes of burning, singed hair? That's what fire does. But love? It lasts till your hair is grey... like spiderwebs... 

Fourth. Honestly, no explanation is needed. It's about raw love. Sex. (Am I allowed to say that?) I know I'm a virgin, but I think the way I described it will do. Right?

Five. Fire tears and ruins things. Rips apart a life, a family... a person. It's painful and destructive. But even though in a lot of ways love and fire are alike, love can only leave you more whole than before. 

Love, a burning passion.