[A] New Soul [Finding] A Place in This World

Let me just give it to you straight. I  have problems. No, I'm serious. I have serious problems. Connection problems. People problems. Emotional problems. Ha ha, you're probably like, "Sure Kristin. Whatever you say." For those of you that know me, you know that I love people. That I am a happy person. That I it's a very rare occasion when I dislike a person. But there's more to the truth. I do like people. I do. But it's not because I just do. I have this huge innate need to be loved. Kinda like everyone does, but more. I have this fear that no one actually cares for me. so I assume the more connections I make with people, the more friends I go out and make, the more loved I will be. The problem with this is that, it doesn't work. I make so many superficial relationships, and none of them actually mean anything. I have a thousand "friends", but very few real ones.

I let people stomp all over me. There are times when a friend does something that I am offended by. The most I ever do is jokingly mention it. Do I get upset and legitimately tell them? Rarely. See, I am terrified that if I get upset just once, they will forever leave me. But if I do something? They tell me. Do I get upset? Heavens no! What if I actually did nothing wrong and my actions were justifiable? I still take it. I may present my argument. But only in a meek way. Where I let them ignore it and rant and rave. I just let them.

What about a little deeper? On an even more emotional level? Guys. I feel like I can just feel the collective "sigh" from all the ladies out there. The little head tilt to the side, eyes softening as I am about to divulge into some of my deepest secrets about my issues with guys. The pity irradiating from your eyes, ladies. I can feel it. But, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I don't get very deep with guys. Sure, I have had my fair share of boyfriends. I've had (probably more than) my fair share of guys I have.... *cough*     kissed    *cough*.  But what's it really mean?

Let me tell you straight up. I've never been broken up with. So I can't help you ladies in that department. I've always done the breaking up part. Normally, if not always, he was totally not expecting it. Not to his fault at all. I take full responsibility. Let me explain (in a lengthy sort of way).

I used to say that I just never trusted guys enough. That's why it never worked out. I would break up with them prematurely. But that isn't really true. I think its counterpart is the real reason. I trust too much, too soon. I really like when people show me attention. I've explained this already. I have that incessant need to be loved. So when a guys starts showing me that? Perfect. I fall alllll over it. The moment kind words spill from his mouth, he's got me hooked. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not sayin' I fall in love with the guy. I'm not stupid. It doesn't happen that fast. Not for me. But after the first instance that he shows affection, I hand over my heart on a little silver platter. I become infatuated. But not really with him. I just like the thought. The kind words. The attention. I like the thought of falling in love. Just like the movies. And there's the problem. "Just like the movies?" Really, Kristin? We all know life isn't like the movies. But there is that certain allure to it. To be loved beyond anything else in the world. To have that knight in shining armor running toward you, fighting away all obstacles. (In a figurative way, of course. In reality, it would be kinda weird)

After a while I begin to notice all the  tiny   imperfections. The smallest things that just begin to annoy me. Slowly, I reach the conclusion that he is not what I want. 'Course, he has no idea all this is dawning on me. He assumes everything is perfectly normal. I never change my attitude. Never change the way I act around him. Never start not talking to him. In fact, it's like it happens overnight. And then all of a sudden, I can't stand him. I can't stand to even look at him. so I wake up in the morning and break up with him. Out of nowhere. And he gets upset. Of course, why wouldn't he? It's not like I gave him any clue. It just happened. And then it's over.

I very rarely, if ever, argue with a boyfriend. Or a guy I'm dating. Or really a guy I'm interested in. (Or like I already said, my friends). I just don't argue with them. I'm fearful. I am just afraid. That's the truth. I have a problem. I don't tell guys when I am uncomfortable in a situation. I just talk myself through it (in my head), and let it happen. Because I am afraid. I don't really know why. See, there are times when I feel like something isn't right. But I let it go and never mention it. It would be so much easier just to ask, but I am terrified of the answer. Even if I already know what the answer is.

Sometimes, I feel like my soul is a child. A tiny, scared child, crouching down inside of me. She is playful, and is easily excited. She is happy. But she is also scared. She is terrified of rejection and losing people she loves. She crouches down in the depths of my body trying to hide away from the dark. Hiding from uncertainty. For a long time, I have waited for this toddler of a soul to mature and grow into a more self-assured adult soul. One who is confident and sure. One who understands and is calmly willing to live. But still, my little child crouches and huddles alone. Terrified as a little infant soul.

I always wait for that defining moment when my life turns into what I always dreamed when I was little. You know what I mean, people? When you are little and you dream of your future and you think of yourself in high school, college, an adult. You think that you will have it all together. That you will be content and life will have no worries. You never dream of yourself facing challenges, never being stressed. You see yourself as having it all together. But that doesn't really happen. I still feel like that moment is yet to come. I fear that one day I will be standing, meeting Death face-to-face. And I will look back, disappointed, because I never will reach that point. But even now, I know, deep down, that the "point" never exists. It's not a point. It's a journey. Now I just have to get that through my head.

One of my friends writes. Jonathan Gracza. And he is fantastic at it. When I sit down to facebook (oh, facebook) and I find myself tagged in note by him, I get excited. I am utterly inspired every time I read his work. But anyway, not too long ago he wrote a story. In terms of literature, incredible. I was amazed. but it hit me on a much deeper level. It was all about a man who could not be remember. "Out of sight, out of mind." And it terrified me. It's the way I often feel. I have a problem with forgetting people. Unless I see them often, or I have had some sort of encounter with them, they are forgotten within days. It's awful. I had a friend who got severely upset because I couldn't remember when we first met. Truth is, I don't remember the "first meeting" with... anyone, really. I try to think back and remember at least one person where I do, but I don't. And it scares me that I could be that forgotten person to someone else.

I think I forget because a lot of the time I feel like I am faking my way through. I never make those deep connections. And since I am so afraid of hurting people, I never argue, so a relationship is never deepened.

I am fake.

I think. I don't really know. I find myself sometimes getting emotional because I am supposed to. That's just not right.

But I am working on it. The first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem, right? Lately, I have been giving myself a reality check. When I find myself upset I ask myself: "Kristin, are you legitimately upset, or are you just doing this because it's expected?" More and more, I find that I truly am really upset (See? I'm growing up!). And I'm not just acting to please people. Can I admit something? It's kinda, no, it's definitely bad. I am not upset that my dad is dead. I was the day I found out. I don't even want to sort through those feelings. But after I had that first cry? I was over it. I had to go up to where he lived to take care of business. And I cried a lot that week. But not about him. Just because people were rude and I was stressed. But not about him. I was over it already. I only pretended to be upset because I was supposed to. What kind of a person would I be if I wasn't upset that my father was dead? An awful one. No, it's not like I was a young child when it happened either. I was 18. A senior in high school. Even up to just recently, people would ask. And I would tell them he was dead. I would kinda hang my head and pretend to be uncomfortable. But really, I don't care. Now people ask, and I just say, "he died. It's not that big of a deal. It's okay" I get weird looks, but I don't really care anymore. I'm done pretending.

Here's another way I am working on it: I am practicing saying "no." And to ask questions when I am wondering something. And to live up to what I want to be.

There is a guy that I have been hanging out with. And I like him. I've taken a step back a couple times to really evaluate things- something I don't normally do. I am tired of doing things the way I normally do. I just get disappointed and I end up hurting people. So I've taken steps back. And I can legitimately say, that I do like him not just the idea of a guy. Or the fact that he is so incredibly nice to me. I like him. I don't know where it's all going, but I'm not worried about it. I'm not thinking and analyzing it. It'll go wherever God wants it to. I sometimes feel bad because he sort of gets the short end of the stick. Most guys tend to like me because I am super submissive. I let them do and say and act however they feel. But this one I stand up for myself a little more. Tell him when I feel uncomfortable (not that he ever really does anything I am not okay with). And I ask questions to reassure myself when I am feeling unimportant (which never really happens at his fault anyway). Poor him. But at least he gets the real me.

Slowly, through these days that I am trying to be real with myself, I am feeling that little infant soul peeking up over the edges of her barrier. Looking out into the world. Fear plastered across her face, but somewhere, somewhere in her eyes, a little hint of anticipation. A tiny morsel of bravery. I can see her gazing out, afraid to take the first step, but knowing it's a necessary evil. A necessary evil that would allow her to conquer the world.




This ended up being much longer than I anticipated. I guess I kept thinking of all the problems I have. I'm just trying to live in a glass house. Trying to show everyone the real me. Eventually, everyone is going to know her. Whether it's because I actually change, or everyone will eventually read the blog. Either way, the real me is in here... somewhere.


"I don't know what I want, 
So dont ask me, 
Cause im still trying to figure it out. 
Don't know what's down this road, 
I'm just walking;
Trying to see through the rain coming down."

"I'm a new soul.
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take.
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear,
Finding myself making every possible mistake"

Amazing, Because It Is [So,] Hold On!

"Life's short,  then you die."

How true that simple little statement.
And how very chilling it is when the true meaning of it sinks into your soul. At a time like this, its honesty is recognized. Normally a phrase intended as a laughable retort, it becomes a sobering truth when coupled with the disastrous outcome of Mother Nature's wrath.

So what of it?

Life is short. And then? And then you die.

117. That's the most recent count of the deceased. One hundred seventeen people. Dead.
1,500. That number? It's the number of people missing.

What a terrible number. That is  so many people. People. It's easy to look at a number. But to realize and understand that they are real people? Ouch. A woman going to the grocery store to grab food for dinner before the storm hits. And then it does. And she dies, her family left at home.

A group of people at a convenience store. Just to grab gas, or a soda. But then united together huddled in a cooler. And when they emerge-safe-but scared? They meet only the death and destruction they narrowly avoided. And even harder than that? They are met with the loss of their friends. Their family.

A mother sends her son to be with his grandparents for the night- she has to work late. But before she can even leave the house for work, she hears the sound of sirens. She emerges from her cellar. Calls are made to grandma... to no avail. A visit. A painstaking long journey merely blocks away... but too many barriers block the way. She abandons the car and runs... to find her mother's house gone. Gone. And her mom and son? Nowhere to be found.

These are real people. With real feelings. With real family. With real heartache. Just because the tornado has came and went, does not mean the pain has left.

Life is short. And then you die.

So cherish it. Is sit necessary to comment on all things that annoy you? Is it necessary to hurt the feelings of another? Is it necessary to be rude?
Would you regret it?

Must you worry incessantly about making enough money, doing enough work, being perfect?
No.

Cherish your life. Cherish other's life. It's too short to let it pass.

We are not invincible. We can be snapped in any moment. Death is not some distant fiend. It does not wait until we are ready. Death hovers above us as we trek through life. He pounces at the worst moments for us. He doesn't wait for us to reach a ripe age. He greedily takes us into the palms of his hands... and captures us, stealing us away from the love of others.

If we are lucky, God plucks us from his filthy hands before he has a chance to devastate us.... but those left behind? They can not be spared. They are left dealing with the loss, while awaiting cruel fate to reach down to gather them at last.

Life's short, then you die.




Amazing grace (you're amazing)
How sweet the sound (you're amazing)
That saved a wretch like me 
I once was lost (it feels so bad when you're lost but I know)
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see




Hold onto God. He's all we have in these deep and dark times. He loves us and is reaching out to us. He wants to make a personal connection and save us from the evils of death. He's calling out to you. 


"I am all around you and I see
Everywhere you see I am everything
You believe

If the stars dont shine tonight
And tomorrow forgets the light
Hold on. Hold on to Me.

You are loved completely
You mean everything to me
You will always be here with me

With everything you have
Hold on to me.
Don't be afraid I'm here to stay
If your hope is running dry
And your dreams have waved goodbye
Hold on. hold on to Me."

Lazy

Wow. Since when did life get so good?

Okay, that sounded terrible. It's not like I am a depressed person or anything. Promise. I just get stressed sometimes... at the worst times. I've noticed it kinda takes a lot to get me stressed... but when I get to that point it takes a bit to get me out of that little rut. I've also learned it's not a fun place to be in. I am a naturally happy person. Of course, any of you that actually know me know that I am always happy. But when I get down? Boy do I get down.

So what's been up with my life lately? All of a sudden I feel great. I mean, sure, I still get stressed (darn you, summer school!), but I am so happy! I am kinda enjoying it. :.)

I've learned something. I don't know everything. I am a Christian. We all know that. But there are a lot of things that I am uncertain about. There are things that I am taught are sins. But I just don't understand how God can be against some things. I also think I am getting a little more laid back. I'm not sure how much I should say. Since I know that I have friends that read this that might take offense... like school officials. But there are things that I am told are wrong, that I don't agree with. Like drinking. I don't see anything wrong with it. Sure, getting drunk? I can see that. But a drink with dinner? I don't think it's all that bad. There is all this negative attitude against drinking. I don't agree with drinking to the point of getting drunk. That gets dangerous. But a drink (that happens to be alcoholic) with dinner is the same thing as drinking a soda with dinner. It's just about the taste. Not the alcohol or buzz. Not that I am gonna go out a drink. I am not 21. So I don't drink. I respect the law. And I respect my school and its rules. I just don't really understand where all the negative attitude comes from.

Any way. I am not the kind of person who enjoys not knowing or understanding. I guess it kinda just fuels my desire to get to know God a little more. Maybe I can understand things a little better. I dunno.

On a side note, I have always thought church was nice, but unnecessary. Don't get me wrong, it's good to go. You learn stuff, get to be around people who think like you. Like a club meeting. And I have always really enjoyed it. But I know that you don't have to go to church to be a Christian. There are Christians that don't go. But I haven't gone in a few weeks and I hate it. I really like church. Not when my alarm clock goes off and I know I could just sleep in... but once I am there I love it. And I really miss it. Maybe this weekend I'll have someone to take me? I miss it!

I am so ready for summer to be over. At least, summer school to be over. I can't focus. I have an exam tomorrow, and here I am. Sitting at my desk writing a blog to avoid studying. Last night I went out with some people (and met some really awesome people- you guys know who you are SHOUT OUT to YOU!). I am kinda failing at the studious... er... student thing. Oops.

Well, now that I feel guilty, time to study. Sorry I rambled today. I'm a spaz. :.)

"Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone, so leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all, nothing at all"

In Honor of Osama Bin Laden...

You all must have heard the news by now. Osama Bin Laden is dead. The moment I heard this, I joined in the excitement. This is a major development for our country. Facebook was littered with witty comments of Hide-and-go-seek and Where's Waldo references. I even added my own: "On a scale from Anne Frank to Osama Bin Laden how good was my hiding spot???" But then I kinda had a reality check. 



This man? 
This man is a human being.
 He is a man created by God.
You know this verse; "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." ( Jeremiah 1:5 NIV )? 
It was intended for him too. 






Sometimes it is hard to remember that the Bible isn't applicable to just us. It is applicable to even the most evil among us. From Stalin and Hitler to Ivan the Terrible and Tomas de Torquemada. From these men, all the way to Osama Bin Laden. God loved them. It's easy to align yourself with God's word when it alludes to others like us. Or even those a little different than us. But these evil men? 
"Love your neighbor as yourself."
That's a little harder to do. 
"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." 
Ouch. I feel that America at large has held a grudge against this man. And not to say it was not without reason. He was responsible for more sin than I would believe possible for a single man. But to rejoice at death? Up until the moment of death, salvation and repentance is a choice. He will never have another moment to ponder the spiritual war. He was still a human being. A person who will never have the glory of heaven like we do. It's sad. Americans may celebrate, but God is not. No matter how evil, He was God's. I know God is in just as much agony with his death as He would be had any other man who was not saved just died.


Proverbs 24:17-18 "Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles. Or the Lord will see it and be displeased and turn his anger away from him."
It is a sad day when people celebrate death. Especially of a man who will never again have a chance to meet the God who loves and had always loved him... regardless of whether we did.

"The storm keeps on twisting.
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don’t make no difference,
Escaping one last time.

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness, oh,
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees."

[You are the] Best I Ever Had & The Only Exception [to my Love]

I’m getting better at this blog thing. Or perhaps I merely have more time for it.
Anyway, I’ve kinda started to learn something:

It doesn’t matter.

Really. It doesn’t. You ask what doesn’t matter? I answer you this:

Anything.

Okay, some things matter. But mistakes don’t. Note I say mistakes. Mistakes are things accidently done, but attempted to be put right. Or made the best of. Repeated mistakes? No, those aren’t mistakes. Those are intentional. Those don’t count. But real mistakes? Yeah, those don’t matter.

I’ve learned that if I do something wrong (by mistake), it’s okay. Of course it’s not the best. It’s not going to receive the same outcome as I –or God- wants. But it’s okay.

“You make all things work together for my good.”

Even if I am making a completely wrong decision in transferring.

“You make all things work together for my good.”

Even if I am wrong in retaking a couple classes.

“You make all things work together for my good.”

Even if I am wrong in working through summer to get me money to take these classes.

“You make all things work together for my good.”

Even if I accept this major, this challenge, this difficulty.

“You make all things work together for my good.”

Is it all necessarily part of His plan? Possibly not. But will it work out for both His and my benefit? Yes, always.

Now please don’t misunderstand. I am not saying it is okay to intentionally do something against God. I am just saying that you can have peace when making a difficult decision. He will take care of you and bring you out better because of it. He’s the Master of the world. He’s the Sign of direction. He’s the Seed of growth. He’s the Creator of Good. He is God.

You know, the other day I was in an alternate chapel. It was an all-worship chapel. Let me tell you, if you ever need a refreshing clearing of the mind, that's the way to do it. It was lovely. But at one point, Pastor John Plake went to the stage. He asked a simple question. 

"Do you think God is proud of you?"

My first thought? My answer to this terrifying question? My tearful reply?

"No, He can't be."

He can't be. Look at all these people on the world that do something for Him. Look at these people who are great Bible-quoting, Jesus-loving, calm, cool, and collected people. Flashback to me. Little Kristin. Who can quote maybe ten verses. Who does love Jesus, but has a hard time showing it. Who is rarely calm. Kristin that has never nor will ever be "cool." And collected? Don't ever use that word in the same sentence as she... unless the words "absolutely" and "not" are included. But as I was thinking of all this, Plake spoke. 

"Odds are, you all are thinking something along the lines of 'probably not.''

Almost imperceptible to anyone who happened to be watching, I felt my head nod in solemn agreement. 

"Well you are wrong."

Again I slightly nod my head... then whip it up so fast to face him that I may have gotten whiplash. "Wrong? Pastor Plake, have I deceived even you? I know I have many people around me." I mean, I am an actress. Not on a stage, but on the ground. On the sidewalk, on the tiled floor of the inside world. In everyday life, I am an actress. I pray everyday no one will find me out. No one will call me out as a phony.... but then again...

I do. 

I want someone to see that I am a pretender. That I am fake. I am not perfect. I struggle. I don't like everyone like I pretend to. I don't smile twenty-four seven. When I smile on the outside, I am shuddering, praying this person leaves me alone on the inside. I am not nice. My head is filled with insults and judgments. I want someone to see the inside of me. I want them to call me out. I feel too safe here. It's like when you play Hide-and-go-seek. You hide, all the while praying no one finds you, lest you be labeled "it." Yet as you sit crouched in the corner of a small hidden closet, you wish you picked a place a little easier. You fear you never will be found. You fear you will be stuck here and no one will find you and, eventually, they will cease to search. So you make a little noise. You scuff your foot. You cough. You twitch around. And, finally, you get found. And a sigh of relief escapes you as you superficially complain about being caught. In reality, you are relieved. That's how I feel. But even Pastor Plake has missed all that? And he continues, 

"He is proud of you"

There's no way I could have misunderstood that a second time. But I beg him to continue. I beg him to explain the mysteries that are God. Why is God proud of me? How does God even have the capacity to care for me? I don't even have the capacity to care about me. But he does. 

You see, it's kind of a funny thing. We can't disappoint God, because He was never expecting anything out of us in the first place. He knows we are not perfect. He know we make mistakes. He even knows that we blaspheme His name. He knows we will repeatedly make mistakes. He knows us. He knows me. I know I can never let God down... I was never holding him up in the first place. 

It's okay. I can make a mistake. I can make a million. But God will still love me. He is still proud of me. He still loves me. He always will. All He wants is a relationship with me. It's not like I can ever give Him anything of substances... except all of me. It's funny that the only thing that God ever wants from me is the hardest thing  to give up. 

Do you know that when we become a "Christian" (not really Christian in the sense of the word... I mean, when we begin our relationship with God, ) we are a completely new person. Did you know that? Yes, of course you did. But understand this. We are a completely new person. He doesn't take who we are and change a few things to make us "holy." He completely erases who and what we used to be. He gives us a brand new identity. We have the chance to completely restore ourselves to God's companion. We are saints from that moment on. We are perfection. Our new identity does not know the things of the past. It does not know it enjoyed drugs, alcohol... or even lies, lust, hatred. It knows nothing of the sort. It only knows love, happiness, rest, peace, wonder. It's like a baby. It's scared, so it may cry, but it has nothing to be fearful of, except newness. A body might turn to what outsiders are pushing toward it. It looks comfortable. So it goes to it. Only to find it as a trap from the enemy. But God knows you don't really want it. So He helps you. He turns you away from it. Until you find somewhere else to turn to. Which is when He helps you again. He knows that all you really want it Him. And He will gladly help you every step of the way to find it. 

God knows exactly what you are going to go through before you finally turn to Him. To Him, it's not:

"Well here she goes again, making a mess. I guess I'll go help her.... again."

To Him, it's more like this:

"Only twenty-four more alleys she will explore until she finally finds me!" 

"I can't wait until she gives me the green-light to help her"

"I am in agony watching her struggle through this all alone."

"I wish dearly she would let me help her."

"I think I am going to give her a little nudge, a small sign to point her in my direction... I can't help it. I am too excited to meet her!"

God cares. Even before we turned. But now that we have, He wants to help us. We gave Him an open invitation. No matter what mistakes I make, He's there. 

"And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside,
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide.

And I may find in time that
You were always right...
You're always right."

I thought another was pretty applicable here too:

"I've always lived like this, 
Keeping a comfortable distance,
And up until now I had sworn to myself 
That I'm content with loneliness-
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception...


Ive got a tight grip on reality,
But I can't let go of what's in front of me.


You are the only exception...


And I'm on my way to believing.
Oh and I'm on my way to believing"